Smaug Rising

In an innocent moment this morning my world turned. Smaug arose. He grinned at me and allowed as how he knew I was in his chamber trying to squeeze through. The smoke wafted out of nostrils and he turned to get more comfortable amongst his treasure. Me? I'm just trying to get through the cave and out the other side.

I began the process, tho, of standing on my shaky knees. The process of facing Smaug and seeing him for just what he is. And seeing myself for what I am too. I started finding my weapons and finding his weak spots. My knees are still weak and I'm still very afraid.

But the process today involved finding somethings that helped me remember who I am. They were an interesting assortment of things. One was a postcard album that my Grandpa Naylor gave me when I was small. He must have given it to me when I was quite little because there were postcards in there from when I was one. I was surprised to find how many postcards he sent me. All with just a few funny sentences on them. This also surprised me because all my memories of him are of what a disciplinarian he was. But I think we must have had quite a relationship that started because of these postcards. No wonder I missed him when he died when I was 12. I'd forgotten all about those postcards. I also found a postcard I sent my dad when I was seven. He was in the hospital. Here's the other funny thing. I obsessively buy postcards whenever I go on vacation and daydream about sending them because I think that they're so much fun. And I've never been able to figure out why I think that.

I found my college transcript. It's funny but my grades were much better than I remembered. Somehow every semester I remember thinking that I should have done so much better than I did. I remember that I was terribly disappointed with myself ... that if I'd applied myself and done a better job my grades would have been better. But today when I looked back at it, that's a good transcript. When I see the whole picture, I did a pretty good job. I also found a couple of papers from college and graduate school. And ... hey ... who wrote those? Oh, me. And the grade report from my student teaching.

There were whole folders full of paystubs from 1986, 1987, 1988 ... shall I go on? What were we saving those for? LightHusband bought a shredder with an 8.5 gallon tub and we filled it. We never did find the things we were looking for. But I found all of our baby books, LightHusband's Learner's Permit from 1979, users manuals for several phones we no longer own, the loan paper work for the first furniture I bought as an adult in 1986, LightHusband's first paystub from 1981, the loan paperwork from the first car we purchased together (Jeep Cherokee), and too many other things to mention .... most of which got shredded or thrown away.

So ... as time passes I will face Smaug. I will still be afraid. But I will be well armed, I will know his weak spots. I will remember who I am and how I got here. I don't know if I will be able to take him on, but I may be able to avoid him and get out of the cave.