08 October 2005

An Albatross

So, since I'm sitting down by the ocean for the week, it seems fitting that I should, this rainy morning, be dealing with an albatross. This albatross has shadowed me for my whole life. It will continue to follow me and you would think that after 44+ years, I would have learned to embrace it. But I continue to dance with it. Here's how the dance goes.

Well ... first, some back story, so you know what the albatross is. I have a big mouth. I talk too much. I say things that end up hurting others feelings, shaming them, embarrassing them, etc. When I was a child, I got called all sorts of lovely names that went along with this albatross so I would know when I was out of line. One of the wonders of public education in this country ... it's why we send our kids to school, so they can be "socialized." Terrorized. But that's for another post. So I learned that there were times that I should keep my mouth shut ... but I was rebellious about it. Eventually, I came to understand how hurtful words could be (that old saw about sticks and stones is a load of crap), and put my mouth under lock and key of my own accord. But here's the problem. It doesn't stay that way. My feelings override my good sense and I say things that hurt others and I continue this dance with my albatross. It is ongoing. I hate this about myself

So yesterday my brickfriend posted something that hit a nerve. I'm old enough now to know better. I'm old enough now to have enough good sense to know when to shut up. But apparently I do not. And I said too much (AGAIN) and I said things that caused him shame and embarrassment and pain. So, there's nothing I can do now except make a public apology for this mouth, and mostly for those words which cause such pain to others. I am so sorry.


Blogger Rebecca said...

Sonya, I wanted to say here what I said in the comments on the aforementioned blog. I really appreciate what you said. I really appreciate being able to sit among a tapestry of beliefs and opinions and to witness the incongruity and similarities. I learn far more from disagreements than from cloned repetitions and those who endorse each other (speaking generally not about the situation). These things may be the �ugly� side of community but they are necessary. Relationships where disagreements can�t happen have no real depth at all and we all are pretending. Relationships that can move beyond the embarrassments and heal and embrace again have something worth our investment. Even the severity with which you said your opinion is important in conveying the depth of feeling behind your point. I think it is important for all of us to listen to the pain that others carry and to temper our opinions from what we learn from the hearts of others we journey with.

10/09/2005 01:26:00 AM  
Blogger kate said...

Please don't be afraid, or ashamed, to be yourself, Sonja. You are a lovely, wonderful, interesting person. Save us from our bad internet service provider choices, and from hearing "yes" on more important things when your heart, and/or your experience, say "no." We need that.
I could say much more, but I probably shouldn't. ;)

10/10/2005 02:12:00 PM  

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